Death touches us all at some point in our lives, in one way or another. The thing about death that hurts the most, I think, is the permanence thereof. When a loved one dies, you won't talk to them again, they won't walk through your door again...there is a hole in your life.
I have often wondered, if it wouldn't be better to not love at all, to live a life of a hermit...because loving, attaching yourself emotionally, then ultimately having your loved ones die, is a pain that never really goes away, it just numbs over time. But then, what would the point of life be? You might as well then never have been born. Life in itself is a challenge filled with ups and downs, highs, lows, hardships and good times.
You have to experience loss in order to savor good times and cherish love when it crosses your path, that's how it works. Love isn't something that sits well with the weak, it is the prerogative of the strong. It takes a strong person to love and a strong person to let go.
This past week, death touched my life, again, this year. Small comfort can be drawn from the fact that earthly suffering has ended in this particular instance. When death enters our lives, taking away a life, we may not understand why, or how...we can kick, scream and cry, but it won't change anything, it won't bring back the person or people we have loved.
However hard it feels to be left behind, we have to keep on living, for as long as you breathe, you are ALIVE and therefore you should be thankful. It is okay to grieve, it is necessary. Tears wash the soul clean, it lightens the heart...even cowboys are allowed to cry.
When death visits someone close to you, its a wake up call: don't exist, LIVE. Cherish your loved ones. Don't procrastinate...tomorrow could be too late...
Death touches us all, it might be sad, but when you live your life right, nothing can be sweeter. To my uncle: You may be gone, but you are never forgotten...
In loving memory of Koos Laas
xxx
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Ripples in the pond
For quite some time I have been struggling with a particular issue: Am I enough? Am I old enough, strong enough, smart enough, wise enough, tough enough...to do what I've set out to do?
All of a sudden I felt scared, as if I wanted to back away from this mountain, but then it came to me: you eat an elephant one bite at a time. I have also come to realise that you never back down - you stand tall and you rise to the occasion called life. If not you, then who? If not now, when?
Therefore, I decided to shake off my fear, for I have read that, when your "worry list" is long, your god cannot be almighty, for if you have now worries at all, that means that you have put your faith and your trust in God - that is how it ought to be. That is the path I am choosing.
Never doubt the path you are on when it has been laid out in advance for you. When life hands you lemons, you stuff them down your shirt to make your boobs look bigger and you smile, because if you don't stand up, you waste your own time. The funny thing about life is, it goes on...you can sulk for a while, but pretty soon, it gets stale. Sympathy dries up, people stop noticing, the whole shebang.
So, the way I see it, you can either have faith in your God, faith in yourself, and faith in your journey, or you might as well just die :) Me, personally, I choose life.
I choose to enrich lives because I am blessed enough to be able to wake up renewed every morning, therefore I will share and I will keep on sharing and caring and enriching till the day I die.
In conclusion to my fear: I am enough, because God gives me enough to give...I never run out...when I struggle with a problem I always end up with a solution, when I am tired, I receive strength. The answer to your problems are as far as your knees from the ground.
Thus - when you are in doubt, afraid, scared...firstly, it is okay, you are human. Second of all, take a deep breath and calm yourself. Thirdly: none of those emotions will solve anything. Therefore, relax yourself, let your mind go, but in the end you will see that if you let go and let God...the results will absolutely amaze you.
And lastly, always remember: YOU ARE ENOUGH :)
All of a sudden I felt scared, as if I wanted to back away from this mountain, but then it came to me: you eat an elephant one bite at a time. I have also come to realise that you never back down - you stand tall and you rise to the occasion called life. If not you, then who? If not now, when?
Therefore, I decided to shake off my fear, for I have read that, when your "worry list" is long, your god cannot be almighty, for if you have now worries at all, that means that you have put your faith and your trust in God - that is how it ought to be. That is the path I am choosing.
Never doubt the path you are on when it has been laid out in advance for you. When life hands you lemons, you stuff them down your shirt to make your boobs look bigger and you smile, because if you don't stand up, you waste your own time. The funny thing about life is, it goes on...you can sulk for a while, but pretty soon, it gets stale. Sympathy dries up, people stop noticing, the whole shebang.
So, the way I see it, you can either have faith in your God, faith in yourself, and faith in your journey, or you might as well just die :) Me, personally, I choose life.
I choose to enrich lives because I am blessed enough to be able to wake up renewed every morning, therefore I will share and I will keep on sharing and caring and enriching till the day I die.
In conclusion to my fear: I am enough, because God gives me enough to give...I never run out...when I struggle with a problem I always end up with a solution, when I am tired, I receive strength. The answer to your problems are as far as your knees from the ground.
Thus - when you are in doubt, afraid, scared...firstly, it is okay, you are human. Second of all, take a deep breath and calm yourself. Thirdly: none of those emotions will solve anything. Therefore, relax yourself, let your mind go, but in the end you will see that if you let go and let God...the results will absolutely amaze you.
And lastly, always remember: YOU ARE ENOUGH :)
Friday, June 3, 2011
Curve balls, bumps in the road, tears, friends and prayers
Have you ever experienced a moment of emotional pain so intense that you struggle to breathe, as if someone punched you in the throat and gut? Have you ever felt so low that the light at the end of the tunnel is invisible? Have you ever felt so weak that your legs felt too much like jelly to carry you further? If you have answered no - then congratulations, you are a robot :) Everybody hurts sometime...
During the past two weeks I have heard countless people say: "Love hurts.", "Life is unfair", "Life is hard", "why me?", "I don't deserve this." So much pain! Lets examine each of these statements...
"Love hurts."
I have said in my previous posts that love doesn't hurt, the absence thereof however, does hurt - and I still stick by it. The Bible teaches us of what love is, take a look:
2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
Charity = love
Now, I shall ask - does love hurt? No, love is the purest and most beautiful gift we posses, which we ought to give freely, without asking anything in return. Yet so many of us mistake need, infatuation and obsession for love. Love has no boundaries, no limits, no conditions. Love flows through us, by the grace and power of God. This means that it is our obligation to love FREELY, and UNCONDITIONALLY.
People attach too many negative connotations to the word love. If you scroll back through my blog, you will see that I have talked about this extensively :)
"Life is unfair, life is hard"
Nobody ever said it would be fair. The human element to life makes the question of what is fair, what is unfair, a very subjective debate. When you get hurt - you will immediately feel done in, that life handed you some bad cards, however, when all is right in the world, you sing songs of praise. The bottom line? It is what it is. When you're going through a rough patch, ALWAYS remember: this too, shall pass. Life's ups and downs make the ride worthwhile.
Life itself is the biggest adventure you can ask for - each day is a new blank page, which YOU must fill. You write your story as you pass every minute. What will your story be like when the pages run out? Is it a story you would be proud to share with the world?
Do not cry over that which you cannot change - rather spend your time and invest your energy into changing that which you have control over. Take up the challenge that is your own life, and ride the wave! Every obstacle, every mountain, makes you stronger. God will never bring you to it if He won't help you through it. God will never put something on your plate that you cannot stomach. So take heart in the knowledge that you are strong enough to overcome anything - with God at your side, the air in your lungs, the blood in your veins and the courage in your heart, you ARE an unstoppable force!
"Why me?"
Now I will ask you, why NOT you? If not you, then who? If not now, when? Never ask why me, stand tall and shout, "TRY ME!!"
When you fail to learn a lesson in life - it will repeat itself until you grasp and internalize the concept. Why? Each and every experience put across your path is like a step up on a flight of stairs, you cant climb up unless you take it step by step. You are thus exercising your muscles to become stronger, for new experiences, to climb the stairs - to reach the top and marvel at how far you have come.
Take heart in the fact that you are not the only one feeling as though there is too much on your plate - small bites and before you know it, the next course arrives and I mean, who doesn't love dessert, right? ;)
"I don't deserve this."
How was the phoenix born? Out of ashes. Out of pain and destruction, new life grows. Like the Japanese proverb says: "fall 7 times, stand up 8." It's not the fall that matters - its how and when you get up and try again, that matters.
Also note that - whatever you send out into the world, you receive back. So this situation might have two causes: You must re-examine your words, your actions, keep them in check, and always, ALWAYS do unto others as you would like done unto yourself. It could also be a test, a purification of spirit. Trials and tribulations are never for nothing - you live, you learn. Do not dwell on the pain, learn from it and move on - leaving the pain behind. Lighten the load. How to do this? It can be summarized very easily: Eat. Pray. Love.
Eat with your mouth, that which does your body good, that which fulfills you. Eat with your eyes, the beauty of the world around you. Eat with your ears, the beautiful noise of that which is around you.
Pray, pray often. Talk to God, open up your heart to feel yourself filled by His love, His grace - the perfect love.
Love - with all your heart, all day, every day. It is the gift that keeps on giving.
Now - when a curve ball is thrown in your direction, catch it! You are that skilled! Play ball, baby, this is what is expected of you! When you see a bump in the road, get your skateboard and do some awesome moves, this is what is expected of you!
If you feel overwhelmed, cry - let it out. Tears wash our souls and hearts clean, lightening the load. So let your tears wash away the murk and smile :)
Never be afraid to ask the help of your friends, that is after all, what friends are for. They sing us the song of our heart, when we forgot the melody. Friends are angels, picking us up when we have fallen. Friends are one of God's many ways of showing how especially fond of you, He is.
Never stop believing, never give up hope - never stop praying. Prayer directly connects you to the most powerful entity in this entire world - God. He never forsakes you. He never "puts down the phone" on you. He loves you ALWAYS, He carries you ALWAYS.
Take heart - for this too, shall pass. :)
With this post today, I send a prayer. I pray that you will open your eyes, and see that life is in fact beautiful. I pray that you will have the strength and courage to stand up. I pray that you will never be too weighed down to give back to the world, to smile and appreciate the small and the big blessings in your life. I pray that you will never stop believing. I pray that the Lord will bless you, and keep you, and heal your pain. I might or might not know you, but I love you :)
During the past two weeks I have heard countless people say: "Love hurts.", "Life is unfair", "Life is hard", "why me?", "I don't deserve this." So much pain! Lets examine each of these statements...
"Love hurts."
I have said in my previous posts that love doesn't hurt, the absence thereof however, does hurt - and I still stick by it. The Bible teaches us of what love is, take a look:
1 Corinthians 13 (KJV):
1Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.2And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
3And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.
4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
8Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
12For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
13And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity.
Charity = love
Now, I shall ask - does love hurt? No, love is the purest and most beautiful gift we posses, which we ought to give freely, without asking anything in return. Yet so many of us mistake need, infatuation and obsession for love. Love has no boundaries, no limits, no conditions. Love flows through us, by the grace and power of God. This means that it is our obligation to love FREELY, and UNCONDITIONALLY.
People attach too many negative connotations to the word love. If you scroll back through my blog, you will see that I have talked about this extensively :)
"Life is unfair, life is hard"
Life itself is the biggest adventure you can ask for - each day is a new blank page, which YOU must fill. You write your story as you pass every minute. What will your story be like when the pages run out? Is it a story you would be proud to share with the world?
Do not cry over that which you cannot change - rather spend your time and invest your energy into changing that which you have control over. Take up the challenge that is your own life, and ride the wave! Every obstacle, every mountain, makes you stronger. God will never bring you to it if He won't help you through it. God will never put something on your plate that you cannot stomach. So take heart in the knowledge that you are strong enough to overcome anything - with God at your side, the air in your lungs, the blood in your veins and the courage in your heart, you ARE an unstoppable force!
"Why me?"
Now I will ask you, why NOT you? If not you, then who? If not now, when? Never ask why me, stand tall and shout, "TRY ME!!"
When you fail to learn a lesson in life - it will repeat itself until you grasp and internalize the concept. Why? Each and every experience put across your path is like a step up on a flight of stairs, you cant climb up unless you take it step by step. You are thus exercising your muscles to become stronger, for new experiences, to climb the stairs - to reach the top and marvel at how far you have come.
Take heart in the fact that you are not the only one feeling as though there is too much on your plate - small bites and before you know it, the next course arrives and I mean, who doesn't love dessert, right? ;)
"I don't deserve this."
How was the phoenix born? Out of ashes. Out of pain and destruction, new life grows. Like the Japanese proverb says: "fall 7 times, stand up 8." It's not the fall that matters - its how and when you get up and try again, that matters.
Also note that - whatever you send out into the world, you receive back. So this situation might have two causes: You must re-examine your words, your actions, keep them in check, and always, ALWAYS do unto others as you would like done unto yourself. It could also be a test, a purification of spirit. Trials and tribulations are never for nothing - you live, you learn. Do not dwell on the pain, learn from it and move on - leaving the pain behind. Lighten the load. How to do this? It can be summarized very easily: Eat. Pray. Love.
Eat with your mouth, that which does your body good, that which fulfills you. Eat with your eyes, the beauty of the world around you. Eat with your ears, the beautiful noise of that which is around you.
Pray, pray often. Talk to God, open up your heart to feel yourself filled by His love, His grace - the perfect love.
Now - when a curve ball is thrown in your direction, catch it! You are that skilled! Play ball, baby, this is what is expected of you! When you see a bump in the road, get your skateboard and do some awesome moves, this is what is expected of you!
If you feel overwhelmed, cry - let it out. Tears wash our souls and hearts clean, lightening the load. So let your tears wash away the murk and smile :)
Never be afraid to ask the help of your friends, that is after all, what friends are for. They sing us the song of our heart, when we forgot the melody. Friends are angels, picking us up when we have fallen. Friends are one of God's many ways of showing how especially fond of you, He is.
Never stop believing, never give up hope - never stop praying. Prayer directly connects you to the most powerful entity in this entire world - God. He never forsakes you. He never "puts down the phone" on you. He loves you ALWAYS, He carries you ALWAYS.
Take heart - for this too, shall pass. :)
With this post today, I send a prayer. I pray that you will open your eyes, and see that life is in fact beautiful. I pray that you will have the strength and courage to stand up. I pray that you will never be too weighed down to give back to the world, to smile and appreciate the small and the big blessings in your life. I pray that you will never stop believing. I pray that the Lord will bless you, and keep you, and heal your pain. I might or might not know you, but I love you :)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Dear devious diary...
The things you do, what you say, set things in motion. This is also true for what you allow into your life, and what you allow others to say, do/not say, do - to you. I have been in a situation in the past where I overlooked too much, said too little. It's not right. High quality living is when you put up guard rails (not 10ft high walls that nobody can scale or break through!), that act like a sieve and you determine what gets to come in and what has to stay outside.
I am not talking about life experience or being a hermit here. This is exclusively about what you let into your life regarding people. How you are being treated. What you allow to be said or done to you. Your personal deal breakers and boundaries.
For example, no matter what the relationship with the person is..I expect a reply - always. It is courteous and shows respect. If you say you're going to call - call. If you said you're going to be there - then be there. When however, life steps in and shit hits the fan, people always have this fascinating excuse of, "I was busy", "I forgot", "I didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying no." My time is valuable. Just as much as every other person's, therefore I expect open lines of communication and also people I can count on. Saying no won't hurt, but disrespect will manage to mildly annoy me :)
I have been told that my way of thinking is too hectic, too critical. Well - I have once jokingly said that, there is a reason why my mom did not name me "Matt". I have a set of basic standards and principles, when they are not honoured, please do not expect from me to lower the mark, not going to happen. When you set the standard - people will start stepping up. Those who don't, were then not supposed to be there (how sad that may be at the time - life goes on :) )
You DESERVE to be treated, at the very least, humanely, which entails having your dignity stay intact. What does that mean, to me? Be honest. Have respect. These are two absolute non-negotiables.
For the ladies, especially...I am here to ask you, to please read Steve Harvey's book - Act like a lady, think like a MAN, and the sequel: Straight talk, no Chaser. Insightful, delightful, and eye opening. There is also, an entire chapter in Act like a lady, think like a MAN on standards, and why they are important. GO get these books! Check out his website at: http://www.steveharvey.com/
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Dream a little dream...
When you were little...what did you want to do/be when you grew up? I wanted to be an archaeologist, I wanted to discover history and secrets unknown.
When we are young, our dreams have no boundaries. Why? Because nobody tells us "you can't". There is no low self esteem telling you you are not worthy or not good enough. If, as a child you wanted to become a space cowboy one day, saving the planet from chocolate aliens threatening our existence with weapons of mass destruction, then who is to say you were wrong? It is your dream :)
So then, what happens? You grow up, things change. Should they however, change negatively? I always wonder, when I see people dragging their feet...what their dreams were, are. What happened to those dreams?
I come from a small town, where I never really fit in, because I see the world differently..dreaming the "impossible" dream. People saw me as a rebel because I questioned the fact that so many people just settle instead of shining, being the amazing people God intended them to be. You don't have to be an astro physicist or a Nobel peace prize winner to shimmer and shine. However, dream big - use what talents you have and make it happen.
For example, my dreams have changed...since you grow, you experience things and it changes how you see life but, does it have to cast a shadow over your dreams? My dream is to change the world, for the better. I firmly believe that I can make a difference. By the end of my life, even if I changed only a hand full of people's lives - I have changed the world, because it is what you would call a butterfly effect. What I do, has an effect on how you act and that in turn has an effect on someone else and so it is a whole chain reaction.
Do you dream of owning a business? Then make it happen! Do you want to find your soul mate? Then make it happen! Do you wish to travel? Make it happen! YOU have the power, but never ever stop dreaming, never discredit your dreams, or belittle them. Never give anyone the power to tell you that you can't. You can do absolutely anything you set your mind to. The difference is this - how much do you really want it? If you really want it, nothing will stand in your way, not the words of people trying to bring you down, not your own fear and insecurity, not the media, nor the stereotyping of society.
Let me tell you what else I see in my dream for myself...abundant happiness, love, family, extending a hand of help and love to whomever needs it. What I want is a big house, overlooking the sea, 2 pit bulls (I have a very soft spot for the underdog :) ), kids and a mustang (soul mate included :) ). Will I have all of this? Absolutely, because I believe that I am capable of making it happen.
God gives me strength to get up each day, He leads me in the right direction. He gives me hope and he gives me courage to dream. Therefore no one has the right to tell me otherwise. When you feel that your dream is out of reach, think to yourself...things such as people on the moon, aeroplanes, telephones...those things were impossible - once. And now? You are only poor if you have no dreams. Dream big. Build your castles in the sky, then start putting a foundation under them.
This, my dearest reader, is what makes life magical. Our dreams...and the ability to make possible what we dream. I will reiterate: Dream big! Nobody can stop you. I am sending, with this post of today...a prayer, that you will dream big...that you will not lose faith in yourself, that you will never give up and that, when you feel that you are struggling, you will always look to God, and when it goes well - still, remember God and be thankful for all the blessings that He bestows upon you. Never stop dreaming, for you can sooner die, than stop dreaming!
- Woodrow Wilson
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Always aim for the moon
When I was a little girl of about 4 or 5, I had a diva moment at lunch one day and my dad asked me what my problem was. My response: (dramatic sigh) "my standards are too high!" Little did I know how prophetic these words would be. I tend to set the bar very high for myself and those around me which (obviously) means that my standards and expectations of myself and others are very high. This also means that at some or other point in time I will get disappointed because one has to take into account the humanity factor - to err is human (to arr is pirate, or maybe that isn't the way it goes...hehehe).
I am a perfectionist. I like my ducks in a row. To give you an example, from a very early age, my mother taught me the importance of correct grammar and spelling and when people misuse language I die a little inside. This is who I am, there is a right way and a wrong way, there is no grey area. When people start making excuses, you know you have made a mistake - just own up to it, take responsibility and move on :)
In anyway, back to the point - standards and expectations. In my opinion, it is of great importance to have high standards. High standards are linked to your quality of life and how you see yourself. You have to be selective, regarding everything. Your thoughts, your words, your food, who you associate with, your clothes, what you read, what you watch, what you listen to, what you touch, etc etc.
Having an attitude of "anything goes" says to me that you really don't care about yourself...there is no moral compass that points anywhere, the whirlwind of the world can end up blowing you onto the rocks of destruction and you wouldn't really care, or...you'd end up there and scream and cry because nobody stopped you. It is no-one's obligation but your own to make sure that you have morals and standards safeguarding you from ending up depleted and distraught. Having standards gives you the courage and selfesteem to say, thanks, but no. :)
I just don't understand why people set the bar so low and then complain. Are you joking? You owe it to yourself to maintain a quality of life that keeps out the negative and the bad, which locks in the good, the positive, the beautiful. Who, in all honesty, wouldn't want that?
I read somewhere that Walt Disney ruined girls forever, because now, every young woman will expect a prince charming. You know what I say to that? I deserve a Prince Charming too. I loved every single Walt Disney movie. My question is, why? Why don't I, as a young woman, deserve a man who treats me as a princess? Did I do something morally wrong? Hell no! Do I deserve love and kindness? Absolutely! Do men out there deserve a "Princess Charming"? Yes! Everybody deserves love. (Just so you know, I am by no means a feminist, haha). Do you see where I am going with this? The world, the media, is expecting you, to set the bar low, way, WAY low - and I say, NO.
Let us stand still at love for a moment (it's my absolute favourite thing to write about :) ) If you feel that you deserve to be romanced, then do not settle for anything less. If he/she does not live up to expectation, move on. There is someone out there, who will make you feel like you are the only man/woman, on the planet. Guaranteed. The only reason why you stay and keep on trying, is out of fear...I say screw it - stop being scared...take the leap...there are hot fish a plenty :)
Looking at the workplace: If you aren't getting job satisfaction, or something like workplace bullying is taking place - don't be afraid to resign. Hand in your CV elsewhere. You are entitled to be treated in line with your standards. If people cannot live up to that...walk away.
Something that really boggles me, is substance abuse. Substance abuse is really a very wide field. Drinking, taking drugs...to seem cool, to fit in, to forget how much your life sucks screams lack of substance and backbone to me. What it boils down to - no moral fibre. If you have high standards and any sort of moral compass, you would say no thanks. Life itself is enough of a high - you don't need anything else, since it takes away from your quality of life ;)
The other side though, is making expectations too high for even you to reach. Don't do that to yourself. You should be realistic, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment. You should also always try to see the bigger picture, especially when working with people. For example, being superficial and only dating someone with a 32 inch waist, earning R50 000 a month, or only accepting a job offer at management level when you only have 6 months working experience. Or, expecting an immediate marriage proposal when the other person wants to take things slow. (You see where I am getting at?)
The be all and end all, is YOU. YOU call the shots. I can write as many words as I want and it can mean nothing to you (which I sincerely hope is not the case). You have to love yourself enough, value yourself enough to put the bar high, readjusting it as you go, never lowering it, always going higher. Always know that you are worth it. Know that you have to have high standards, high expectations in order to have a good, high quality life - you owe it to yourself. This is the difference between living and existing. Always challenge yourself. Always expect more from yourself. Expect people to treat you as you know you ought to be treated and et voila!
I am a perfectionist. I like my ducks in a row. To give you an example, from a very early age, my mother taught me the importance of correct grammar and spelling and when people misuse language I die a little inside. This is who I am, there is a right way and a wrong way, there is no grey area. When people start making excuses, you know you have made a mistake - just own up to it, take responsibility and move on :)
In anyway, back to the point - standards and expectations. In my opinion, it is of great importance to have high standards. High standards are linked to your quality of life and how you see yourself. You have to be selective, regarding everything. Your thoughts, your words, your food, who you associate with, your clothes, what you read, what you watch, what you listen to, what you touch, etc etc.
Having an attitude of "anything goes" says to me that you really don't care about yourself...there is no moral compass that points anywhere, the whirlwind of the world can end up blowing you onto the rocks of destruction and you wouldn't really care, or...you'd end up there and scream and cry because nobody stopped you. It is no-one's obligation but your own to make sure that you have morals and standards safeguarding you from ending up depleted and distraught. Having standards gives you the courage and selfesteem to say, thanks, but no. :)
I just don't understand why people set the bar so low and then complain. Are you joking? You owe it to yourself to maintain a quality of life that keeps out the negative and the bad, which locks in the good, the positive, the beautiful. Who, in all honesty, wouldn't want that?
I read somewhere that Walt Disney ruined girls forever, because now, every young woman will expect a prince charming. You know what I say to that? I deserve a Prince Charming too. I loved every single Walt Disney movie. My question is, why? Why don't I, as a young woman, deserve a man who treats me as a princess? Did I do something morally wrong? Hell no! Do I deserve love and kindness? Absolutely! Do men out there deserve a "Princess Charming"? Yes! Everybody deserves love. (Just so you know, I am by no means a feminist, haha). Do you see where I am going with this? The world, the media, is expecting you, to set the bar low, way, WAY low - and I say, NO.
Let us stand still at love for a moment (it's my absolute favourite thing to write about :) ) If you feel that you deserve to be romanced, then do not settle for anything less. If he/she does not live up to expectation, move on. There is someone out there, who will make you feel like you are the only man/woman, on the planet. Guaranteed. The only reason why you stay and keep on trying, is out of fear...I say screw it - stop being scared...take the leap...there are hot fish a plenty :)
Looking at the workplace: If you aren't getting job satisfaction, or something like workplace bullying is taking place - don't be afraid to resign. Hand in your CV elsewhere. You are entitled to be treated in line with your standards. If people cannot live up to that...walk away.
Something that really boggles me, is substance abuse. Substance abuse is really a very wide field. Drinking, taking drugs...to seem cool, to fit in, to forget how much your life sucks screams lack of substance and backbone to me. What it boils down to - no moral fibre. If you have high standards and any sort of moral compass, you would say no thanks. Life itself is enough of a high - you don't need anything else, since it takes away from your quality of life ;)
The other side though, is making expectations too high for even you to reach. Don't do that to yourself. You should be realistic, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment. You should also always try to see the bigger picture, especially when working with people. For example, being superficial and only dating someone with a 32 inch waist, earning R50 000 a month, or only accepting a job offer at management level when you only have 6 months working experience. Or, expecting an immediate marriage proposal when the other person wants to take things slow. (You see where I am getting at?)
The be all and end all, is YOU. YOU call the shots. I can write as many words as I want and it can mean nothing to you (which I sincerely hope is not the case). You have to love yourself enough, value yourself enough to put the bar high, readjusting it as you go, never lowering it, always going higher. Always know that you are worth it. Know that you have to have high standards, high expectations in order to have a good, high quality life - you owe it to yourself. This is the difference between living and existing. Always challenge yourself. Always expect more from yourself. Expect people to treat you as you know you ought to be treated and et voila!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Think before you speak...
Along with talking a lot, I have also been blessed with being blatantly honest. I recall being in town with my mother (roundabout age 3), seeing a rather large lady, pointing at her, saying (very loudly): "Look at that fat lady, mommy!" My mom nearly died of shame...hahaha. She couldn't punish me for being truthful but there is a fine line between telling the (sometimes hurtful) truth and applying some tact.
Something my mom taught me, which I value to this day...is this: before you say something, think to yourself: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it hurtful? Then decide if you still want to speak up. You see, your words can be likened to a bag of feathers. Once you empty the bag of feathers, you can never get all of them back into the bag. This works the same with what you say to people. We tend to forget just how much words can hurt, until we are on the receiving end. Words have the power to cause irreparable damage.
Lets rewind a little. It is absolutely wrong to lie. Comforting someone with a lie will only momentarily solve an issue which will snowball and blow up in your face later. For example, you know your best friend's other half is cheating on him/her. What to do? If a given situation arises where you have the opportunity to tell said friend of the goings on, then do so. Why? Because if the can of worms gets blown open later, your friend will ask you: "Why didn't you tell me? You could have spared me the humiliation." However, if your friend bought new living room furniture which she loves and you abhor and she asks you what you think of it, it is, in my opinion not a bad idea to say "it goes marvellous with the wallpaper/drapes/whatever - because in this instance it is a matter of taste, not principal. You get where I'm going? :)
In the last few weeks I have observed the way in which people interact with each other. The general conclusion: people don't listen to each other, people don't think before they speak, people don't take others' feelings into consideration. All it is about is making themselves feel and look better, no matter what the consequences are. Are you serious? Let me put it differently. Before you say something hurtful, stop and think - if someone said that exact same thing to you, how would you feel? Most probably not so tough.
When you are on the receiving end of hurtful words, I have this to say to you: examine the speaker carefully. Were these words spoken in anger? Were they justifiable? Do these words reflect low self esteem or some other deep seated issues that are unrelated to you? Did the speaker purely use you as a punching bag? Ask yourself these questions...I know it might not sting any less, but what I am trying to get at, is that those words do not make you any less of a person. You should see those words as hollow vowels and consonants - powerless. You have the power to shrug it off. For example - if someone calls you a "whore," ask yourself, are you the oxford definition of a whore? No? Shrug it off and pity the speaker. If someone calls you a "jock", pity them for having the need to stereotype. Free yourself from words and labels. You know who you are...what you are capable of, that alone, is enough dear one... :)
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are endless.” - Mother Theresa
Monday, May 9, 2011
Observing, breaking, embracing the rules...
For a few days I didn’t feel inspired enough to write anything meaningful. So yesterday evening I went to church, with a burning need to get a loud and clear message from God…and there inspiration nearly knocked me off my feet.I sat there, observing the energy emanating from the people, the building, just everything. It was amazing; I had goose bumps from start to finish. The sermon was about embracing rules and discipline. At this point I can almost hear you grumbling. Bear with me, ok? :)
Let me rewind a tad. I have always been the responsible friend, to the extent that quite a few of my friends have mocked me about it. The term “rebel” and “rule breaker” have always been so much more alluring than “obedient follower” “careful” and “responsible”. This is something I never quite understood…until last night.
I truly had a 2 hour long eureka moment. In Exodus 20, God stipulates the 10 commandments. Here is the kicker: He laid down these commandments out of love, for we protect best what we value most. What is it that God values most? YOU, of course. The 10 commandments serve as a platform, for your freedom. Rules, freedom? Doesn’t seem right, does it? You can only be free once you embrace discipline and rules. You see, rules are there for a reason. Rules are there to not only protect us from our own devices and egos, but from others as well. Rules teach us responsibility; it gives you a strong backbone. Discipline and rules aren’t meant to cage you…it’s a warm blanket in the cold that is the world out there.
Rules build character; it shapes you as a person. For example, as a younger child, your parents most probably gave you a curfew, or forbade you to watch movies with an inappropriate age restriction. Let’s examine the why. Rules stem from a relationship, which is founded on love. Your parents would want you to be in the house at a certain time, to make sure you’re ok – to protect you from any foul goings on in the outside world. Your parents would forbid age restricted movies to protect your young, impressionable mind. Age restrictions are after all there for a reason. These are only two out of many examples. Are you still following? :)
To make you understand the necessity and importance, think of it like this. Without certain rules, you get shaped into a person who has no respect or regard for others. Not only is this a big moral slap in the face, but it also puts you on a very destructive road. For example: if you disregard the rules of your parents, it forms who you are. Who are you then? A rebel, a rule breaker. Such a person will disregard the rules of their peers (because hey, the world owes you, right?) This person will ultimately disregard the rules of an employer, a spouse and ultimately…the rules of a country, ending with probable jail time, a criminal record and a broken life. Sound extreme? Not really.
The preacher gave an example of such a behavioural pattern. He was in his office one day, when he received a phone call from a young (school attending) man, who got caught with credit card fraud. This same young man attended an entire course on discipline under the preacher. Fast forward to a few years later, and the preacher receives yet another phone call…this time from that young man’s mother. The message? Her son got caught in Europe, with fraud. He was staring a 12 year prison sentence in the face. Could this have been prevented? Absolutely. How? By applying strict rules and embracing them. Strict in the sense that every rule should encompass certain values, morals and standards. For example, if you want to instil respect for others, you put in place rules such as not putting others down, not swearing at them, gossiping about them, being condescending, doing unto them as you would have done unto you…etc.
Having high standards and solid moral values will ultimately lead to a high quality life. No, you cannot put a monetary value on it. Your thoughts and beliefs shape you…so if you believe and do negatively, how could you possibly expect anything positive. On the other hand, if you do good…and you have strong values, this will set the tone for your entire life. No matter what you choose to believe, the following will always, ALWAYS be true: You reap what you sow. If you sow good seed in fertile soil, you will reap a plentiful harvest. However, if you sow rocks, you cannot expect any kind of harvest.
When life throws you a curve ball…start asking yourself, what did I sow? I am here to tell you, that, if you didn’t sow good seed, you don’t deserve good. It is, unfortunately, that simple. If, however, you truly sow good seed, you are being purified through a challenging, fulfilling life. Now is the time to re-evaluate your life, your standards. Another example: if you do not respect and love yourself, you cannot expect others to love you. If you sell yourself short, you cannot expect others to put a high value on you.
Obey the rules, out of love, out of respect. Listen and internalize when your parents speak, no matter how old you are. Obey the rules drawn up by your employer. Respect and protect the moral code for interpersonal relationships. Keep in mind that how you act, what you do, what you say…tells people a whole lot about you. Every action, every word, shows who you really are. Also think of it this way – will you be proud to show your children (one day or right now if you have any) the person that you are right now? Would you want them to follow the example you are setting right now?
I am an obedient follower; I am responsible, because that is the quality of life that I choose to live. I am comfortable to accept responsibility, to grow as a person, to have a solid, unbreakable backbone. I love my God and out of love and respect, I honour His rules. I embrace discipline. This makes me lead a quality life, and in all honesty, I am proud to say that I set a good example. Therefore I am not ashamed to be mocked – I feel sorry for those who are not comfortable enough to embrace rules and playing by them, for you know not what you miss.
“There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” - Cyrus H. Curtis
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Yes, YOU CAN!!
I started this blog with the intention of sharing my thoughts with friends, in order to help them in some or other way. What also happened was, a door within me flung wide open, and I got to know myself in depth. I became friends with myself, also helping myself. This of course, makes my life richer and of a higher quality. As Delphi so rightly said: "know thyself".
During the course of the weekend, my absolute best friend and I had a few very deep, meaningful conversations about love, specifically EROS (Latin word for the love between lovers). Her previous relationship left her scarred, scared and confused, to such an extent that she does not trust her own judgement anymore. When you love someone, you ultimately open yourself up to a bullet storm, but you trust that it won't happen. Then you get hurt and balance is disturbed.
In this case, self esteem issues. Feeling good enough, worthy, capable of being loved, being capable of showing love and opening up. All of this got me thinking...here are my thoughts:
My history pertaining to love and relationships aren't anything to write home about. I am not here to bash any of my exes, this is me being brutally honest :) It would always be a mixture of wrong guy and wrong timing. All of the guys I have been emotionally attached to (have being the operative word), wanted to change some or other aspect of who I am. It ranged from me being too fat, to being too loud and bubbly, to talking too much, to being too clever and driven (yeah...I kid you not), being too independent, being too pretty (hahaha), being too honest...etc. Then, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I would try to change, for their sake, for the sake of "love"...I would try to lose weight, to tone myself down, talking less...etc. and OF COURSE it didn't work!
Even though I did all these things, it always made me feel hollow, unworthy, not good enough. Then one fine day, I got utterly pissed off (there is no other better way to describe it). God made me. He doesn't do incomplete jobs, or create something that lacks anything. Who is anyone then to tell me differently? Changing yourself for the sake of feeling accepted is utterly absurd. That's not how it works. Marilyn Monroe so rightly said: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
So what if my butt is rounder than that of my neighbour? So what if I am a colorful person? So what if I prefer to read and further myself rather than destroying myself through vice? Can I help for my looks? This is who I am...trying to change for the wrong reasons will ultimately lead to bitterness and resentment and I'm sorry, but there is no room for that in my life. One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn was to accept myself, love myself. Before any other human being can accept and love you, you have to give yourself the ultimate gift of self love.
You have the right to say "Screw you" and walk away when people expect you to change in order to be acceptable and lovable. By just being alive, you are acceptable and lovable. It's that simple. Do not let anyone tell you differently.
From my point of view: I am a strong woman, I have survived a lot of trauma, drama, heartbreak, issues and the like. I fell and I stood up again. I have so much love to share with the world, my blog being one of the channels through which I am giving love. I am, to sum it up, a home run. If a man does not accept me, AS I AM...he should watch me as I go. Yet again, it's that simple, because there IS someone out there who will complete you and love you, for all that you are, for how you make them feel when they are in your company. You do not need to lower your standards and change to find love. You are love - you are perfect, because you have been created by the Master Artist, Himself :)
Be yourself, there is after all, just one of you. Would you really have people miss out on the wonder that is you? Hell no! My absolute favourite book and movie is Eat.Pray.Love. Good for the heart, good for the soul. When Liz Gilbert is in Bali, she meets Felipe. At one point she complains to Felipe that everyone is trying to find her a man...and the following ensued:
"Liz Gilbert: I'm sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don't need a man, Liz. You need a champion"
Mind blowing! I remember hearing it, internalizing it...and thinking to myself, WOW...well said. Now its time for my champion to find me. :) :) Why? I will settle for no less. I have a lot to offer and if a man cannot bring equally to my table, he is not welcome. Please understand that I am by no means superficial...I am not referring to looks or money - it's about character, soul, backbone. It's about building a life together, a partnership.
Speaking for myself - I am done playing around, hoping, wishing. I KNOW, with every fibre of my being that I am acceptable, lovable...I don't need anyone to tell me this. I also KNOW that there is, without a doubt, a person out there who will look at me, listen to me speak...and know that he can't see his life without me. That is my champion. I will not lower my standards or settle for someone who is Mr Right Now, Mr Maybe, Mr Hopeful, Mr Sexy but blank, Mr Mama's boy...etc. As Sandra Bullock said in Practical Magic: "I want a love that even time would stand still for."
I am not desperate, however, I am ready...emotionally and physically. There is room in my life, my heart for a champion. My life is of a high quality, so is my heart :) This, dear person, be you female, be you male - is true for you as well. My prayer for you is that you will always remember that you are perfect, because God created you. You are worthy of being loved, just as you are. You are strong enough to let go when it no longer seems right. I pray that you find your champion. You deserve it :)
“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.” - Spike to Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
***This post is dedicated to my best friend***
During the course of the weekend, my absolute best friend and I had a few very deep, meaningful conversations about love, specifically EROS (Latin word for the love between lovers). Her previous relationship left her scarred, scared and confused, to such an extent that she does not trust her own judgement anymore. When you love someone, you ultimately open yourself up to a bullet storm, but you trust that it won't happen. Then you get hurt and balance is disturbed.
In this case, self esteem issues. Feeling good enough, worthy, capable of being loved, being capable of showing love and opening up. All of this got me thinking...here are my thoughts:
My history pertaining to love and relationships aren't anything to write home about. I am not here to bash any of my exes, this is me being brutally honest :) It would always be a mixture of wrong guy and wrong timing. All of the guys I have been emotionally attached to (have being the operative word), wanted to change some or other aspect of who I am. It ranged from me being too fat, to being too loud and bubbly, to talking too much, to being too clever and driven (yeah...I kid you not), being too independent, being too pretty (hahaha), being too honest...etc. Then, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I would try to change, for their sake, for the sake of "love"...I would try to lose weight, to tone myself down, talking less...etc. and OF COURSE it didn't work!
Even though I did all these things, it always made me feel hollow, unworthy, not good enough. Then one fine day, I got utterly pissed off (there is no other better way to describe it). God made me. He doesn't do incomplete jobs, or create something that lacks anything. Who is anyone then to tell me differently? Changing yourself for the sake of feeling accepted is utterly absurd. That's not how it works. Marilyn Monroe so rightly said: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
So what if my butt is rounder than that of my neighbour? So what if I am a colorful person? So what if I prefer to read and further myself rather than destroying myself through vice? Can I help for my looks? This is who I am...trying to change for the wrong reasons will ultimately lead to bitterness and resentment and I'm sorry, but there is no room for that in my life. One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn was to accept myself, love myself. Before any other human being can accept and love you, you have to give yourself the ultimate gift of self love.
You have the right to say "Screw you" and walk away when people expect you to change in order to be acceptable and lovable. By just being alive, you are acceptable and lovable. It's that simple. Do not let anyone tell you differently.
From my point of view: I am a strong woman, I have survived a lot of trauma, drama, heartbreak, issues and the like. I fell and I stood up again. I have so much love to share with the world, my blog being one of the channels through which I am giving love. I am, to sum it up, a home run. If a man does not accept me, AS I AM...he should watch me as I go. Yet again, it's that simple, because there IS someone out there who will complete you and love you, for all that you are, for how you make them feel when they are in your company. You do not need to lower your standards and change to find love. You are love - you are perfect, because you have been created by the Master Artist, Himself :)
Be yourself, there is after all, just one of you. Would you really have people miss out on the wonder that is you? Hell no! My absolute favourite book and movie is Eat.Pray.Love. Good for the heart, good for the soul. When Liz Gilbert is in Bali, she meets Felipe. At one point she complains to Felipe that everyone is trying to find her a man...and the following ensued:
"Liz Gilbert: I'm sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don't need a man, Liz. You need a champion"
Mind blowing! I remember hearing it, internalizing it...and thinking to myself, WOW...well said. Now its time for my champion to find me. :) :) Why? I will settle for no less. I have a lot to offer and if a man cannot bring equally to my table, he is not welcome. Please understand that I am by no means superficial...I am not referring to looks or money - it's about character, soul, backbone. It's about building a life together, a partnership.
Speaking for myself - I am done playing around, hoping, wishing. I KNOW, with every fibre of my being that I am acceptable, lovable...I don't need anyone to tell me this. I also KNOW that there is, without a doubt, a person out there who will look at me, listen to me speak...and know that he can't see his life without me. That is my champion. I will not lower my standards or settle for someone who is Mr Right Now, Mr Maybe, Mr Hopeful, Mr Sexy but blank, Mr Mama's boy...etc. As Sandra Bullock said in Practical Magic: "I want a love that even time would stand still for."
I am not desperate, however, I am ready...emotionally and physically. There is room in my life, my heart for a champion. My life is of a high quality, so is my heart :) This, dear person, be you female, be you male - is true for you as well. My prayer for you is that you will always remember that you are perfect, because God created you. You are worthy of being loved, just as you are. You are strong enough to let go when it no longer seems right. I pray that you find your champion. You deserve it :)
“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.” - Spike to Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
***This post is dedicated to my best friend***
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Do it, for the kids... :)
In March/April of 2009, I was part of a research project for the World Health Organization which focused on the socio-economic circumstances of children aged 16-18 in the less than ideal areas of Johannesburg. I was an interviewer, and interviewed countless teenagers. The questionnaire was a rather thick booklet and contained pretty tough questions about abuse, violence, sex, finances etc. I remember sitting in front of one young face after the other, my heart bleeding for them.
The last question in the questionnaire was: "Do you have dreams for the future?" Two, out of all the kids I interviewed, said yes. The rest said no...the reasons ranging from "I don't deserve a dream, things are so bad currently that I will never have a good future" to the heart wrenching "I won't live that long." I cried and cried and cried for these kids, and immediately knew that God wanted me to see this, experience this pain, for a reason. There and then I decided that Child Law would be my future. From that defining moment, I have never once looked back, or doubted my destiny.
It so happened that I decided to do my masters in Child Law, but struggled with a topic for my dissertation. Then my aunt told me a story that left me cold. My little cousin, who was 10 at the time, was the victim of vicious bullying, to the extent that he got panic attacks every morning before school, and is currently seeing a psychologist to help with his school phobia.
It is my sincere belief that children have the right to be children for as long as possible. External factors such as violence, abuse, negativity, poverty etc, strip children of their innocence and it turns them into cynical little people. This is wrong, because you steal something from a child you can never give them back.
Adults should be the people children look up to, alas, adults are the people who hurt kids, in many ways, the most. Even bullying amongst children can be attributed to their parents. More often than not, the bully seeks attention by exerting himself violently. A child who sees violence at home, will practise violence at school. A child who does not have the love, care and nurturing bestowed upon him by his mother, will, almost always, turn into a bully. Dr Dan Olweus, a pioneer on the field of bullying, identified 4 causes for bullying and as I have just stated, 3 out of the 4 are the mistakes/shortcomings of the parents.
What people do not realize, or tend to forget, is the fact that children today, are the adults and leaders of tomorrow. Would you really be part in the destruction of your own children's future? Would you really take it upon you to be responsible for allowing/ causing children to struggle?
The last question in the questionnaire was: "Do you have dreams for the future?" Two, out of all the kids I interviewed, said yes. The rest said no...the reasons ranging from "I don't deserve a dream, things are so bad currently that I will never have a good future" to the heart wrenching "I won't live that long." I cried and cried and cried for these kids, and immediately knew that God wanted me to see this, experience this pain, for a reason. There and then I decided that Child Law would be my future. From that defining moment, I have never once looked back, or doubted my destiny.
It so happened that I decided to do my masters in Child Law, but struggled with a topic for my dissertation. Then my aunt told me a story that left me cold. My little cousin, who was 10 at the time, was the victim of vicious bullying, to the extent that he got panic attacks every morning before school, and is currently seeing a psychologist to help with his school phobia.
It is my sincere belief that children have the right to be children for as long as possible. External factors such as violence, abuse, negativity, poverty etc, strip children of their innocence and it turns them into cynical little people. This is wrong, because you steal something from a child you can never give them back.
Adults should be the people children look up to, alas, adults are the people who hurt kids, in many ways, the most. Even bullying amongst children can be attributed to their parents. More often than not, the bully seeks attention by exerting himself violently. A child who sees violence at home, will practise violence at school. A child who does not have the love, care and nurturing bestowed upon him by his mother, will, almost always, turn into a bully. Dr Dan Olweus, a pioneer on the field of bullying, identified 4 causes for bullying and as I have just stated, 3 out of the 4 are the mistakes/shortcomings of the parents.
What people do not realize, or tend to forget, is the fact that children today, are the adults and leaders of tomorrow. Would you really be part in the destruction of your own children's future? Would you really take it upon you to be responsible for allowing/ causing children to struggle?
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Love hurts? o.O
Love hurts - this opinion has been turned into fact, believed by all who has been broken hearted or hurt. As Def Leppard puts it in their song "Love Bites" -
"Love bites love bleeds - it's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives love dies - it's no surprise
Love begs love pleads - it's what I need"
This might be the feeling of pain when a relationship ends, a loved one dies etc. Sometimes though, it turns physical when relationships turn violent and abusive. There is no love in abuse, in violence. If there was love, there would be no abuse, violence.
Abusive relationships create a phenomenon called "battered woman syndrome". What this encompasses is a person who is in a relationship with an abusive partner. The abuse can be either physical or emotional or a combination thereof. This results in the victim becoming depressed, feeling isolated and unable to break the cycle. This also means that the victim cannot take any positive action to break out and walk away from a bad relationship. Many people believe this to be hogwash...sadly, it is absolutely true, and affects many women, globally.
It is estimated that in South Africa alone, 1 out of every four women are survivors of domestic violence. According to POWA, 1 in every 6 women who die in Gauteng, die by the hand of an intimate partner.
The Institute of Security Studies did research in 1999, and the findings were as follows:
90% of the interviewees had experienced emotional abuse, public humiliation etc.
90% of the interviewees had experienced physical abuse - pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting etc.
71% had experienced sexual abuse: forced kissing/touching and rape.
58% had experienced economic abuse - money being stolen/taken from them without consent.
42.5% of the interviewees had experienced all forms of abuse.
60% of all cases of abuse were committed by partners, lovers or spouses.
-Emotional abuse-either as a category on its own or in combination with other types of abuse was referred to by 63% of women as being the most serious.
-According to a Medical Research Council study, young women are more subjected to assault (ranging from slapping to beating with objects and stabbing) and sexual coercion by partners and others.
These statistics were released by POWA (People Opposing Women Abuse)
Victims of domestic violence are silent victims, due to isolating circumstances. However, speaking out not only reduces the risk of the vicious cycle repeating itself, it also creates a foundation to build up confidence to walk away.
A person who intentionally harms another, albeit physically or emotionally, is a bully, no matter how old he/she is. Bullying behavior can be caused by many external as well as internal stimuli, such as a hot headed temperament, a bad relationship with their primary caregiver, the need to control, lack of self control anger issues, inferiority complex and the like.
When you take this into account, as a victim, you should internalize it as follows - abuse, in any form, is not your fault. There is no justification for domestic violence and abuse, none whatsoever. You deserve a loving, caring environment, and people in your life who love, nurture, protect and adore you. Why? God did not create you to suffer. God created you because He loves you, and as our Father, He would not wish any harm to come upon His children. However, some stray from the enligthened path and fall, far...these people are like a bull in a china shop - leaving behind a trail of brokenness, like shattered glass.
I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to endure abuse, but never allow your circumstances to turn you into a bitter person filled with hate. For then your circumstances win, and you lose. Pray, pray often. Keep your head up, speak up and say NO. Believe that you are worthy of a fabulous life filled with love and joy, because it is the truth.
I heard a fabulous story of a woman who endured regular beatings from her alcoholic husband. One day she had had enough and when he came home drunk again, passing out quickly, she rolled him into a wet blanket, took her Teflon frying pan and knocked sense and sobriety into him. Never again did he lay an hand on her.
This might sound extreme, but sometimes it is the only way to stand up - to defend yourself physically. When an abusive person sees that you are strong, the abuse will dwindle. Physical strength is a good thing, but emotional strength turns you into a giant, since an abusive person is in actual fact not emotionally superior, but inferior, they only hide it behind abuse and inflicting pain upon others.
If you are a victim of domestic violence and abuse and reading this, just know, that I am praying for you - praying for love to fill your heart and your life. For the abuse to stop. PUSH - pray until something happens, and when it does, keep praying.
May you have a joyous day, knowing that you are not alone in the world, you never were, and you never will be.
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." - Mark Caine
"Love bites love bleeds - it's bringin' me to my knees
Love lives love dies - it's no surprise
Love begs love pleads - it's what I need"
This might be the feeling of pain when a relationship ends, a loved one dies etc. Sometimes though, it turns physical when relationships turn violent and abusive. There is no love in abuse, in violence. If there was love, there would be no abuse, violence.
Abusive relationships create a phenomenon called "battered woman syndrome". What this encompasses is a person who is in a relationship with an abusive partner. The abuse can be either physical or emotional or a combination thereof. This results in the victim becoming depressed, feeling isolated and unable to break the cycle. This also means that the victim cannot take any positive action to break out and walk away from a bad relationship. Many people believe this to be hogwash...sadly, it is absolutely true, and affects many women, globally.
It is estimated that in South Africa alone, 1 out of every four women are survivors of domestic violence. According to POWA, 1 in every 6 women who die in Gauteng, die by the hand of an intimate partner.
The Institute of Security Studies did research in 1999, and the findings were as follows:
90% of the interviewees had experienced emotional abuse, public humiliation etc.
90% of the interviewees had experienced physical abuse - pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting etc.
71% had experienced sexual abuse: forced kissing/touching and rape.
58% had experienced economic abuse - money being stolen/taken from them without consent.
42.5% of the interviewees had experienced all forms of abuse.
60% of all cases of abuse were committed by partners, lovers or spouses.
-Emotional abuse-either as a category on its own or in combination with other types of abuse was referred to by 63% of women as being the most serious.
-According to a Medical Research Council study, young women are more subjected to assault (ranging from slapping to beating with objects and stabbing) and sexual coercion by partners and others.
These statistics were released by POWA (People Opposing Women Abuse)
Victims of domestic violence are silent victims, due to isolating circumstances. However, speaking out not only reduces the risk of the vicious cycle repeating itself, it also creates a foundation to build up confidence to walk away.
A person who intentionally harms another, albeit physically or emotionally, is a bully, no matter how old he/she is. Bullying behavior can be caused by many external as well as internal stimuli, such as a hot headed temperament, a bad relationship with their primary caregiver, the need to control, lack of self control anger issues, inferiority complex and the like.
When you take this into account, as a victim, you should internalize it as follows - abuse, in any form, is not your fault. There is no justification for domestic violence and abuse, none whatsoever. You deserve a loving, caring environment, and people in your life who love, nurture, protect and adore you. Why? God did not create you to suffer. God created you because He loves you, and as our Father, He would not wish any harm to come upon His children. However, some stray from the enligthened path and fall, far...these people are like a bull in a china shop - leaving behind a trail of brokenness, like shattered glass.
I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be to endure abuse, but never allow your circumstances to turn you into a bitter person filled with hate. For then your circumstances win, and you lose. Pray, pray often. Keep your head up, speak up and say NO. Believe that you are worthy of a fabulous life filled with love and joy, because it is the truth.
I heard a fabulous story of a woman who endured regular beatings from her alcoholic husband. One day she had had enough and when he came home drunk again, passing out quickly, she rolled him into a wet blanket, took her Teflon frying pan and knocked sense and sobriety into him. Never again did he lay an hand on her.
This might sound extreme, but sometimes it is the only way to stand up - to defend yourself physically. When an abusive person sees that you are strong, the abuse will dwindle. Physical strength is a good thing, but emotional strength turns you into a giant, since an abusive person is in actual fact not emotionally superior, but inferior, they only hide it behind abuse and inflicting pain upon others.
If you are a victim of domestic violence and abuse and reading this, just know, that I am praying for you - praying for love to fill your heart and your life. For the abuse to stop. PUSH - pray until something happens, and when it does, keep praying.
May you have a joyous day, knowing that you are not alone in the world, you never were, and you never will be.
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself." - Mark Caine
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