Dear devious diary...

I have written about standards, I have written about not settling...I have written about expectations.  In theory, it always paints a pretty picture - in practice however, it is a whole other ball game.  When people don't live up to par with the standards I set, you will be cut loose.  Please know that I am not at all heartless, but my life is not a charity.  I will not be run over and trampled just because someone could not step up.

The things you do, what you say, set things in motion.  This is also true for what you allow into your life, and what you allow others to say, do/not say, do - to you.  I have been in a situation in the past where I overlooked too much, said too little.  It's not right.  High quality living is when you put up guard rails (not 10ft high walls that nobody can scale or break through!), that act like a sieve and you determine what gets to come in and what has to stay outside.

I am not talking about life experience or being a hermit here.  This is exclusively about what you let into your life regarding people.  How you are being treated.  What you allow to be said or done to you.  Your personal deal breakers and boundaries.

For example, no matter what the relationship with the person is..I expect a reply - always.  It is courteous and shows respect.  If you say you're going to call - call.  If you said you're going to be there - then be there.  When however, life steps in and shit hits the fan, people always have this fascinating excuse of, "I was busy", "I forgot", "I didn't want to hurt your feelings by saying no."  My time is valuable.  Just as much as every other person's, therefore I expect open lines of communication and also people I can count on.  Saying no won't hurt, but disrespect will manage to mildly annoy me :)

Something else that ranks way up there, for me, is honesty.  Nothing is so bad, or so scary, that it cannot be handled.  However, when someone lies to me, that is a sign of disrespect, for which there is no room in my world.  Why?  It is my choice, to lead a life where I get treated with honesty, respect, kindness, love - because I will always reciprocate.

I have been told that my way of thinking is too hectic, too critical.  Well - I have once jokingly said that, there is a reason why my mom did not name me "Matt".  I have a set of basic standards and principles, when they are not honoured, please do not expect from me to lower the mark, not going to happen.  When you set the standard - people will start stepping up.  Those who don't, were then not supposed to be there (how sad that may be at the time - life goes on :) ) 

You DESERVE to be treated, at the very least, humanely, which entails having your dignity stay intact.  What does that mean, to me?  Be honest.  Have respect.  These are two absolute non-negotiables.

In a romantic relationship, one tends to let a lot slide, overlooking plenty, for the sake of love and hoping that he/she will change.  I am here to tell you, that it is not your moral obligation to change that person.  Change needs to come from within, or it will mean nothing.  People stay because it feels "sort of" right, even 90% right.  RUN...why?  Because people settle, out of fear, out of guilt, out of pity.  Do you not deserve to be loved in such a manner that you wake up every day, with your cup running over?  Yes?  Then run.  No?  Then by all means - go on...just remember that regret will kick you in the shin later.  Love does not grow from fear, guilt or pity - nor does it flourish on anger or resentment.

For the ladies, especially...I am here to ask you, to please read Steve Harvey's book - Act like a lady, think like a MAN, and the sequel:  Straight talk, no Chaser.  Insightful, delightful, and eye opening.  There is also, an entire chapter in Act like a lady, think like a MAN on standards, and why they are important.  GO get these books!  Check out his website at: http://www.steveharvey.com/

For the guys - standards and deal breakers are equally important to you.  Don't settle for anything less that what you deserve.  But also - live up to par, it just might add to your life! :)

Dream a little dream...

When you were little...what did you want to do/be when you grew up? 

I wanted to be an archaeologist, I wanted to discover history and secrets unknown. 

When we are young, our dreams have no boundaries.  Why?  Because nobody tells us "you can't".  There is no low self esteem telling you you are not worthy or not good enough.  If, as a child you wanted to become a space cowboy one day, saving the planet from chocolate aliens threatening our existence with weapons of mass destruction, then who is to say you were wrong?  It is your dream :)

So then, what happens?  You grow up, things change.  Should they however, change negatively?  I always wonder, when I see people dragging their feet...what their dreams were, are.  What happened to those dreams?

I come from a small town, where I never really fit in, because I see the world differently..dreaming the "impossible" dream.  People saw me as a rebel because I questioned the fact that so many people just settle instead of shining, being the amazing people God intended them to be.  You don't have to be an astro physicist or a Nobel peace prize winner to shimmer and shine.  However, dream big - use what talents you have and make it happen.

For example, my dreams have changed...since you grow, you experience things and it changes how you see life but, does it have to cast a shadow over your dreams?  My dream is to change the world, for the better.  I firmly believe that I can make a difference.  By the end of my life, even if I changed only a hand full of people's lives - I have changed the world, because it is what you would call a butterfly effect.  What I do, has an effect on how you act and that in turn has an effect on someone else and so it is a whole chain reaction.

Do you dream of owning a business?  Then make it happen!  Do you want to find your soul mate?  Then make it happen!  Do you wish to travel? Make it happen! YOU have the power, but never ever stop dreaming, never discredit your dreams, or belittle them.  Never give anyone the power to tell you that you can't.  You can do absolutely anything you set your mind to.  The difference is this - how much do you really want it?  If you really want it, nothing will stand in your way, not the words of people trying to bring you down, not your own fear and insecurity, not the media, nor the stereotyping of society.

Let me tell you what else I see in my dream for myself...abundant happiness, love, family, extending a hand of help and love to whomever needs it.  What I want is a big house, overlooking the sea, 2 pit bulls (I have a very soft spot for the underdog :) ), kids and a mustang (soul mate included :) ).  Will I have all of this?  Absolutely, because I believe that I am capable of making it happen. 

God gives me strength to get up each day, He leads me in the right direction.  He gives me hope and he gives me courage to dream.  Therefore no one has the right to tell me otherwise.  When you feel that your dream is out of reach, think to yourself...things such as people on the moon, aeroplanes, telephones...those things were impossible - once.  And now? You are only poor if you have no dreams.  Dream big.  Build your castles in the sky, then start putting a foundation under them.

This, my dearest reader, is what makes life magical.  Our dreams...and the ability to make possible what we dream.  I will reiterate:  Dream big!  Nobody can stop you.  I am sending, with this post of today...a prayer, that you will dream big...that you will not lose faith in yourself, that you will never give up and that, when you feel that you are struggling, you will always look to God, and when it goes well - still, remember God and be thankful for all the blessings that He bestows upon you. Never stop dreaming, for you can sooner die, than stop dreaming!

"We grow great by dreams. All big men are dreamers. They see things in the soft haze of a spring day or in the red fire of a long winter's evening. Some of us let these great dreams die, but others nourish and protect them; nurse them through bad days till they bring them to the sunshine and light which comes always to those who sincerely hope that their dreams will come true."

- Woodrow Wilson

Always aim for the moon

When I was a little girl of about 4 or 5, I had a diva moment at lunch one day and my dad asked me what my problem was.  My response:  (dramatic sigh)  "my standards are too high!"  Little did I know how prophetic these words would be.  I tend to set the bar very high for myself and those around me which (obviously) means that my standards and expectations of myself and others are very high.  This also means that at some or other point in time I will get disappointed because  one has to take into account the humanity factor - to err is human (to arr is pirate, or maybe that isn't the way it goes...hehehe).

I am a perfectionist.  I like my ducks in a row.  To give you an example, from a very early age, my mother taught me the importance of correct grammar and spelling and when people misuse language I die a little inside. This is who I am, there is a right way and a wrong way, there is no grey area.  When people start making excuses, you know you have made a mistake - just own up to it, take responsibility and move on :)

In anyway, back to the point - standards and expectations.  In my opinion, it is of great importance to have high standards.  High standards are linked to your quality of life and how you see yourself.  You have to be selective, regarding everything.  Your thoughts, your words, your food, who you associate with, your clothes, what you read, what you watch, what you listen to, what you touch, etc etc. 

Having an attitude of "anything goes" says to me that you really don't care about yourself...there is no moral compass that points anywhere, the whirlwind of the world can end up blowing you onto the rocks of destruction and you wouldn't really care, or...you'd end up there and scream and cry because nobody stopped you.  It is no-one's obligation but your own to make sure that you have morals and standards safeguarding you from ending up depleted and distraught.  Having standards gives you the courage and selfesteem to say, thanks, but no. :)

I just don't understand why people set the bar so low and then complain.  Are you joking?  You owe it to yourself to maintain a quality of life that keeps out the negative and the bad, which locks in the good, the positive, the beautiful.  Who, in all honesty, wouldn't want that?

I read somewhere that Walt Disney ruined girls forever, because now, every young woman will expect a prince charming.  You know what I say to that?  I deserve a Prince Charming too.  I loved every single Walt Disney movie.  My question is, why?  Why don't I, as a young woman, deserve a man who treats me as a princess?  Did I do something morally wrong?  Hell no!  Do I deserve love and kindness?  Absolutely!  Do men out there deserve a "Princess Charming"?  Yes! Everybody deserves love. (Just so you know, I am by no means a feminist, haha).  Do you see where I am going with this?  The world, the media, is expecting you, to set the bar low, way, WAY low - and I say, NO. 

Let us stand still at love for a moment (it's my absolute favourite thing to write about :) )  If you feel that you deserve to be romanced, then do not settle for anything less.  If he/she does not live up to expectation, move on.  There is someone out there, who will make you feel like you are the only man/woman, on the planet.  Guaranteed.  The only reason why you stay and keep on trying, is out of fear...I say screw it - stop being scared...take the leap...there are hot fish a plenty :)

Looking at the workplace:  If you aren't getting job satisfaction, or something like workplace bullying is taking place - don't be afraid to resign.  Hand in your CV elsewhere.  You are entitled to be treated in line with your standards.  If people cannot live up to that...walk away.

Something that really boggles me, is substance abuse.  Substance abuse is really a very wide field.  Drinking, taking drugs...to seem cool, to fit in, to forget how much your life sucks screams lack of substance and backbone to me.  What it boils down to - no moral fibre.  If you have high standards and any sort of moral compass, you would say no thanks.  Life itself is enough of a high - you don't need anything else, since it takes away from your quality of life ;)

The other side though, is making expectations too high for even you to reach.  Don't do that to yourself.  You should be realistic, otherwise you set yourself up for disappointment.  You should also always try to see the bigger picture, especially when working with people. For example, being superficial and only dating someone with a 32 inch waist, earning R50 000 a month, or only accepting a job offer at management level when you only have 6 months working experience.  Or, expecting an immediate marriage proposal when the other person wants to take things slow. (You see where I am getting at?)

The be all and end all, is YOU.  YOU call the shots.  I can write as many words as I want and it can mean nothing to you (which I sincerely hope is not the case).  You have to love yourself enough, value yourself enough to put the bar high, readjusting it as you go, never lowering it, always going higher.  Always know that you are worth it.  Know that you have to have high standards, high expectations in order to have a good, high quality life - you owe it to yourself.  This is the difference between living and existing.  Always challenge yourself.  Always expect more from yourself.  Expect people to treat you as you know you ought to be treated and et voila!

Think before you speak...

I am a talker. In the 1st grade my teacher put a band aid over my mouth to stop my chatter, moved me next to the smelliest boy in class, to the front of the class, right in front of her desk, sent me to the headmaster, called my parents - needless to say I just never stopped talking, a lot (to this day).

Along with talking a lot, I have also been blessed with being blatantly honest. I recall being in town with my mother (roundabout age 3), seeing a rather large lady, pointing at her, saying (very loudly): "Look at that fat lady, mommy!" My mom nearly died of shame...hahaha. She couldn't punish me for being truthful but there is a fine line between telling the (sometimes hurtful) truth and applying some tact.

Something my mom taught me, which I value to this day...is this: before you say something, think to yourself: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it hurtful? Then decide if you still want to speak up.

You see, your words can be likened to a bag of feathers. Once you empty the bag of feathers, you can never get all of them back into the bag. This works the same with what you say to people. We tend to forget just how much words can hurt, until we are on the receiving end. Words have the power to cause irreparable damage.

There is a Chinese proverb that goes "he who rides the tiger can never dismount." This means that you can never fully take back what you said, especially words spoke in anger. Interestingly enough, studies have shown that, when people are angry, in that moment, their IQ's momentarily drop, this being the reason for saying things we don't mean and always regret later.

Lets rewind a little. It is absolutely wrong to lie. Comforting someone with a lie will only momentarily solve an issue which will snowball and blow up in your face later. For example, you know your best friend's other half is cheating on him/her. What to do? If a given situation arises where you have the opportunity to tell said friend of the goings on, then do so. Why? Because if the can of worms gets blown open later, your friend will ask you: "Why didn't you tell me? You could have spared me the humiliation." However, if your friend bought new living room furniture which she loves and you abhor and she asks you what you think of it, it is, in my opinion not a bad idea to say "it goes marvellous with the wallpaper/drapes/whatever - because in this instance it is a matter of taste, not principal. You get where I'm going? :)

In the last few weeks I have observed the way in which people interact with each other. The general conclusion: people don't listen to each other, people don't think before they speak, people don't take others' feelings into consideration. All it is about is making themselves feel and look better, no matter what the consequences are. Are you serious? Let me put it differently. Before you say something hurtful, stop and think - if someone said that exact same thing to you, how would you feel? Most probably not so tough.

When you are on the receiving end of hurtful words, I have this to say to you: examine the speaker carefully. Were these words spoken in anger? Were they justifiable? Do these words reflect low self esteem or some other deep seated issues that are unrelated to you? Did the speaker purely use you as a punching bag? Ask yourself these questions...I know it might not sting any less, but what I am trying to get at, is that those words do not make you any less of a person. You should see those words as hollow vowels and consonants - powerless. You have the power to shrug it off. For example - if someone calls you a "whore," ask yourself, are you the oxford definition of a whore? No? Shrug it off and pity the speaker. If someone calls you a "jock", pity them for having the need to stereotype. Free yourself from words and labels.  You know who you are...what you are capable of, that alone, is enough dear one... :)

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are endless.” - Mother Theresa

Observing, breaking, embracing the rules...

For a few days I didn’t feel inspired enough to write anything meaningful. So yesterday evening I went to church, with a burning need to get a loud and clear message from God…and there inspiration nearly knocked me off my feet.

I sat there, observing the energy emanating from the people, the building, just everything. It was amazing; I had goose bumps from start to finish. The sermon was about embracing rules and discipline. At this point I can almost hear you grumbling. Bear with me, ok? :)

Let me rewind a tad. I have always been the responsible friend, to the extent that quite a few of my friends have mocked me about it. The term “rebel” and “rule breaker” have always been so much more alluring than “obedient follower” “careful” and “responsible”. This is something I never quite understood…until last night.

I truly had a 2 hour long eureka moment. In Exodus 20, God stipulates the 10 commandments. Here is the kicker: He laid down these commandments out of love, for we protect best what we value most. What is it that God values most? YOU, of course. The 10 commandments serve as a platform, for your freedom. Rules, freedom? Doesn’t seem right, does it? You can only be free once you embrace discipline and rules. You see, rules are there for a reason. Rules are there to not only protect us from our own devices and egos, but from others as well. Rules teach us responsibility; it gives you a strong backbone. Discipline and rules aren’t meant to cage you…it’s a warm blanket in the cold that is the world out there.

Rules build character; it shapes you as a person. For example, as a younger child, your parents most probably gave you a curfew, or forbade you to watch movies with an inappropriate age restriction. Let’s examine the why. Rules stem from a relationship, which is founded on love. Your parents would want you to be in the house at a certain time, to make sure you’re ok – to protect you from any foul goings on in the outside world. Your parents would forbid age restricted movies to protect your young, impressionable mind. Age restrictions are after all there for a reason. These are only two out of many examples. Are you still following? :)

To make you understand the necessity and importance, think of it like this. Without certain rules, you get shaped into a person who has no respect or regard for others. Not only is this a big moral slap in the face, but it also puts you on a very destructive road. For example: if you disregard the rules of your parents, it forms who you are. Who are you then? A rebel, a rule breaker. Such a person will disregard the rules of their peers (because hey, the world owes you, right?) This person will ultimately disregard the rules of an employer, a spouse and ultimately…the rules of a country, ending with probable jail time, a criminal record and a broken life. Sound extreme? Not really.

The preacher gave an example of such a behavioural pattern. He was in his office one day, when he received a phone call from a young (school attending) man, who got caught with credit card fraud. This same young man attended an entire course on discipline under the preacher. Fast forward to a few years later, and the preacher receives yet another phone call…this time from that young man’s mother. The message? Her son got caught in Europe, with fraud. He was staring a 12 year prison sentence in the face. Could this have been prevented? Absolutely. How? By applying strict rules and embracing them. Strict in the sense that every rule should encompass certain values, morals and standards. For example, if you want to instil respect for others, you put in place rules such as not putting others down, not swearing at them, gossiping about them, being condescending, doing unto them as you would have done unto you…etc.

Having high standards and solid moral values will ultimately lead to a high quality life. No, you cannot put a monetary value on it. Your thoughts and beliefs shape you…so if you believe and do negatively, how could you possibly expect anything positive. On the other hand, if you do good…and you have strong values, this will set the tone for your entire life. No matter what you choose to believe, the following will always, ALWAYS be true: You reap what you sow. If you sow good seed in fertile soil, you will reap a plentiful harvest. However, if you sow rocks, you cannot expect any kind of harvest.

When life throws you a curve ball…start asking yourself, what did I sow? I am here to tell you, that, if you didn’t sow good seed, you don’t deserve good. It is, unfortunately, that simple. If, however, you truly sow good seed, you are being purified through a challenging, fulfilling life. Now is the time to re-evaluate your life, your standards. Another example: if you do not respect and love yourself, you cannot expect others to love you. If you sell yourself short, you cannot expect others to put a high value on you.

Obey the rules, out of love, out of respect. Listen and internalize when your parents speak, no matter how old you are. Obey the rules drawn up by your employer. Respect and protect the moral code for interpersonal relationships. Keep in mind that how you act, what you do, what you say…tells people a whole lot about you. Every action, every word, shows who you really are. Also think of it this way – will you be proud to show your children (one day or right now if you have any) the person that you are right now? Would you want them to follow the example you are setting right now?

I am an obedient follower; I am responsible, because that is the quality of life that I choose to live. I am comfortable to accept responsibility, to grow as a person, to have a solid, unbreakable backbone. I love my God and out of love and respect, I honour His rules. I embrace discipline. This makes me lead a quality life, and in all honesty, I am proud to say that I set a good example. Therefore I am not ashamed to be mocked – I feel sorry for those who are not comfortable enough to embrace rules and playing by them, for you know not what you miss.

“There are two kinds of men who never amount to much: those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can do nothing else.” - Cyrus H. Curtis

Yes, YOU CAN!!

I started this blog with the intention of sharing my thoughts with friends, in order to help them in some or other way.  What also happened was, a door within me flung wide open, and I got to know myself in depth.  I became friends with myself, also helping myself.  This of course, makes my life richer and of a higher quality.  As Delphi so rightly said:  "know thyself".

During the course of the weekend, my absolute best friend and I had a few very deep, meaningful conversations about love, specifically EROS (Latin word for the love between lovers).  Her previous relationship left her scarred, scared and confused, to such an extent that she does not trust her own judgement anymore.  When you love someone, you ultimately open yourself up to a bullet storm, but you trust that it won't happen.  Then you get hurt and balance is disturbed.

In this case, self esteem issues.  Feeling good enough, worthy, capable of being loved, being capable of showing love and opening up.  All of this got me thinking...here are my thoughts:

My history pertaining to love and relationships aren't anything to write home about.  I am not here to bash any of my exes, this is me being brutally honest :)  It would always be a mixture of wrong guy and wrong timing.  All of the guys I have been emotionally attached to (have being the operative word), wanted to change some or other aspect of who I am.  It ranged from me being too fat, to being too loud and bubbly, to talking too much, to being too clever and driven (yeah...I kid you not), being too independent, being too pretty (hahaha), being too honest...etc.  Then, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I would try to change, for their sake, for the sake of "love"...I would try to lose weight, to tone myself down, talking less...etc.  and OF COURSE it didn't work!

Even though I did all these things, it always made me feel hollow, unworthy, not good enough.  Then one fine day, I got utterly pissed off (there is no other better way to describe it).  God made me.  He doesn't do incomplete jobs, or create something that lacks anything.  Who is anyone then to tell me differently?  Changing yourself for the sake of feeling accepted is utterly absurd.  That's not how it works.  Marilyn Monroe so rightly said:  "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

So what if my butt is rounder than that of my neighbour?  So what if I am a colorful person?  So what if I prefer to read and further myself rather than destroying myself through vice?  Can I help for my looks? This is who I am...trying to change for the wrong reasons will ultimately lead to bitterness and resentment and I'm sorry, but there is no room for that in my life.  One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn was to accept myself, love myself.  Before any other human being can accept and love you, you have to give yourself the ultimate gift of self love.

You have the right to say "Screw you" and walk away when people expect you to change in order to be acceptable and lovable.  By just being alive, you are acceptable and lovable.  It's that simple.  Do not let anyone tell you differently.

From my point of view:  I am a strong woman,  I have survived a lot of trauma, drama, heartbreak, issues and the like.  I fell and I stood up again.  I have so much love to share with the world, my blog being one of the channels through which I am giving love.  I am, to sum it up, a home run.  If a man does not accept me, AS I AM...he should watch me as I go.  Yet again, it's that simple, because there IS someone out there who will complete you and love you, for all that you are, for how you make them feel when they are in your company.  You do not need to lower your standards and change to find love.  You are love - you are perfect, because you have been created by the Master Artist, Himself :) 

Be yourself, there is after all, just one of you.  Would you really have people miss out on the wonder that is you?  Hell no!  My absolute favourite book and movie is Eat.Pray.Love.  Good for the heart, good for the soul.  When Liz Gilbert is in Bali, she meets Felipe.  At one point she complains to Felipe that everyone is trying to find her a man...and the following ensued:

"Liz Gilbert: I'm sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don't need a man, Liz. You need a champion"

Mind blowing!  I remember hearing it, internalizing it...and thinking to myself, WOW...well said.  Now its time for my champion to find me. :) :) Why?  I will settle for no less.  I have a lot to offer and if a man cannot bring equally to my table, he is not welcome.  Please understand that I am by no means superficial...I am not referring to looks or money - it's about character, soul, backbone.  It's about building a life together, a partnership. 

Speaking for myself - I am done playing around, hoping, wishing.  I KNOW, with every fibre of my being that I am acceptable, lovable...I don't need anyone to tell me this.  I also KNOW that there is, without a doubt, a person out there who will look at me, listen to me speak...and know that he can't see his life without me.  That is my champion.  I will not lower my standards or settle for someone who is Mr Right Now, Mr Maybe, Mr Hopeful, Mr Sexy but blank, Mr Mama's boy...etc. As Sandra Bullock said in Practical Magic: "I want a love that even time would stand still for."

I am not desperate, however, I am ready...emotionally and physically.  There is room in my life, my heart for a champion.  My life is of a high quality, so is my heart :) This, dear person, be you female, be you male - is true for you as well.  My prayer for you is that you will always remember that you are perfect, because God created you.  You are worthy of being loved, just as you are.  You are strong enough to let go when it no longer seems right.  I pray that you find your champion.  You deserve it :)

“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.”  - Spike to Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

***This post is dedicated to my best friend***