During the course of the weekend, my absolute best friend and I had a few very deep, meaningful conversations about love, specifically EROS (Latin word for the love between lovers). Her previous relationship left her scarred, scared and confused, to such an extent that she does not trust her own judgement anymore. When you love someone, you ultimately open yourself up to a bullet storm, but you trust that it won't happen. Then you get hurt and balance is disturbed.
In this case, self esteem issues. Feeling good enough, worthy, capable of being loved, being capable of showing love and opening up. All of this got me thinking...here are my thoughts:
My history pertaining to love and relationships aren't anything to write home about. I am not here to bash any of my exes, this is me being brutally honest :) It would always be a mixture of wrong guy and wrong timing. All of the guys I have been emotionally attached to (have being the operative word), wanted to change some or other aspect of who I am. It ranged from me being too fat, to being too loud and bubbly, to talking too much, to being too clever and driven (yeah...I kid you not), being too independent, being too pretty (hahaha), being too honest...etc. Then, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I would try to change, for their sake, for the sake of "love"...I would try to lose weight, to tone myself down, talking less...etc. and OF COURSE it didn't work!
Even though I did all these things, it always made me feel hollow, unworthy, not good enough. Then one fine day, I got utterly pissed off (there is no other better way to describe it). God made me. He doesn't do incomplete jobs, or create something that lacks anything. Who is anyone then to tell me differently? Changing yourself for the sake of feeling accepted is utterly absurd. That's not how it works. Marilyn Monroe so rightly said: "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."
So what if my butt is rounder than that of my neighbour? So what if I am a colorful person? So what if I prefer to read and further myself rather than destroying myself through vice? Can I help for my looks? This is who I am...trying to change for the wrong reasons will ultimately lead to bitterness and resentment and I'm sorry, but there is no room for that in my life. One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn was to accept myself, love myself. Before any other human being can accept and love you, you have to give yourself the ultimate gift of self love.
You have the right to say "Screw you" and walk away when people expect you to change in order to be acceptable and lovable. By just being alive, you are acceptable and lovable. It's that simple. Do not let anyone tell you differently.
From my point of view: I am a strong woman, I have survived a lot of trauma, drama, heartbreak, issues and the like. I fell and I stood up again. I have so much love to share with the world, my blog being one of the channels through which I am giving love. I am, to sum it up, a home run. If a man does not accept me, AS I AM...he should watch me as I go. Yet again, it's that simple, because there IS someone out there who will complete you and love you, for all that you are, for how you make them feel when they are in your company. You do not need to lower your standards and change to find love. You are love - you are perfect, because you have been created by the Master Artist, Himself :)
Be yourself, there is after all, just one of you. Would you really have people miss out on the wonder that is you? Hell no! My absolute favourite book and movie is Eat.Pray.Love. Good for the heart, good for the soul. When Liz Gilbert is in Bali, she meets Felipe. At one point she complains to Felipe that everyone is trying to find her a man...and the following ensued:
"Liz Gilbert: I'm sick of people telling me that I need a man.
Felipe: You don't need a man, Liz. You need a champion"
Mind blowing! I remember hearing it, internalizing it...and thinking to myself, WOW...well said. Now its time for my champion to find me. :) :) Why? I will settle for no less. I have a lot to offer and if a man cannot bring equally to my table, he is not welcome. Please understand that I am by no means superficial...I am not referring to looks or money - it's about character, soul, backbone. It's about building a life together, a partnership.
Speaking for myself - I am done playing around, hoping, wishing. I KNOW, with every fibre of my being that I am acceptable, lovable...I don't need anyone to tell me this. I also KNOW that there is, without a doubt, a person out there who will look at me, listen to me speak...and know that he can't see his life without me. That is my champion. I will not lower my standards or settle for someone who is Mr Right Now, Mr Maybe, Mr Hopeful, Mr Sexy but blank, Mr Mama's boy...etc. As Sandra Bullock said in Practical Magic: "I want a love that even time would stand still for."
I am not desperate, however, I am ready...emotionally and physically. There is room in my life, my heart for a champion. My life is of a high quality, so is my heart :) This, dear person, be you female, be you male - is true for you as well. My prayer for you is that you will always remember that you are perfect, because God created you. You are worthy of being loved, just as you are. You are strong enough to let go when it no longer seems right. I pray that you find your champion. You deserve it :)
“When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman.” - Spike to Buffy (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
***This post is dedicated to my best friend***
Ahh! Frendy!! THANK YOU so much! Just what I needed at the right time!! You are and will always be the one piece of my puzzle without who I will not be able to exist!!! I love you with all my heart!!! BFF!!!
ReplyDeleteI discovered your blog while doing some random searching and after reading a few entries I was hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe reason this particular entry caught my attention at this very moment was that I very recently opened myself up to a bullet storm as you would say and unfortunately I ended up at the wrong side of the proverbial gun.
As a man with high values I was taught to always respect woman, never play with their hearts and feelings, and to always be truthful and sincere with my intentions towards them, especially the ones I love/ed.
I looked around for roughly 23 years, before I decided to finally commit myself to a relationship, after all I thought she was “the one”, and I was convinced about that until the final moments of the relationship, the words “it’s not going to work between us” came like a unexpected blow that knocks the wind right out of you, you can’t breathe, you are speechless, then comes the question “WHY?”, to which she calmly replied “ You don’t have a strong enough personality, I will dominate you and it’s not fair to you”, after the why the plea came, so you’re not going to give me chance to prove you wrong, she replied again, calmly “No”. This decision was made in a matter of days, I lost her before I even had time to speak, and her mind was made up.
The drive home alone was agonizing, but I made peace with the fact that it didn’t work out, convinced myself there was a reason for this, only to hear later on that that was the standard breakup lines she used on a few unfortunate guys before me, I was the victim of a seductress,
"With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose" (Prov. 7:21-22). At least I found some reason for the sudden change of heart.
Now I come to my point, and I trust you will understand where I’m coming from now, and I’m going to use the person above as an example (person D).
When is change necessary?
Let say person D decides that she will not change, not speaking about physical attributes or personality, as that is what makes one unique and special, I’m talking about changing her habits of using men, getting a kick out of seducing a man, making herself feel powerful and wanted, and then moving on to the next victim as soon as things get to serious, and openly speaking about it, no man can judge these actions, but it doesn’t go unnoticed, God sees and knows everything, and He will pass judgment on His terms according to what the bible teaches us, she will NEVER find her champion if she carries on with her wicked ways , as no man worth his salt will allow her into his life, Proverbs 7 warns us about this in a very straight forward manner.
Yes, she will be surrounded by men looking for a quick fix, lust not love, but how can one truly experience Eros when you are unwilling to change your habits? (Note Eros is not the glue that holds a successful marriage together),is it wrong for a guy to at least try and change this? If not, will Person D ever be completely happy and content with less than champion material? Or will they end up alone, full of regret and worst of all a bad reputation?
Einstein said” Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”, then how does one expect meeting the right one, when you do the same thing over and over again? Without change one will become stagnant.
GOD made us all perfect, that is true, but He also gave us the ability to make our own decisions, otherwise why would we have to ask for forgiveness?
If we didn’t have the ability to change/improve our actions, what happens to the damned,I refuse to believe that my loving God will just sit by and watch as His children fall.
I hereby conclude that love comes from two sides, both sides equally responsible for the relationship, and sitting back waiting for the perfect person(champion) to arrive, is a little too one sided in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteIt will happen, when and how is not up to us, but when it happens sitting back and hoping everything will work out just fine is a fantasy.
For a wife it means respecting your husbands decisions, doing what he asks of you as long as it’s right according to God’s Word, standing by his side through better and through worse.
For a man it’s to be the head of the family, protecting and providing for his wife and children, giving her al the love she deserves and respecting her as a child of God.
Does this still sound easy? Do you think it can be accomplished by being passive? Definitely not, but you do these things because you love the person so much you will give up everything for them in an instant, a relationship requires work, lots of communication, and sacrifices, be it changing a habit or just giving up something in order for it to work, compensate each other because there is real love.
There is no such thing as a perfect man or women, and therefore no such thing as a perfect relationship (sorry to all those hopeless romantics out there), we all have our own opinions, and ways of doing things good and bad, annoying and pleasing , what defines a successful relationship is when both parties are willing to change to something better for their other half, no need to be asked, pressured or forced, you just want to be the best you you can possibly be for the one you truly love.
PS. I forgive you.
If you would like to discuss this further, feel free to email me at Deviousfairy@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteKind regards
Hi I have sent you a mail, awaiting reply, regards.
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